1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
