508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
