its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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