I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
