Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
