She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
