How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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