This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
