Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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