ya dads aren't the best wingmen
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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