While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
