I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You took a bar mat shot.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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