Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
