Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
