Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
MIDGETS
????
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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