I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
