If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
