I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
