Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
