i think my tv is drunk
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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