im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you win again, gameday.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
