Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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