Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
