do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
