Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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