Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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