thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
