am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
