ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
