I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize