I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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