am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
