i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Houston, we have a squirter
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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