I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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