Say something about gay babies.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
