I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
