He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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