Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
