I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
