he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
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