I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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