2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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