Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
