the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
