its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
