I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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