I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
