i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
be right there i have to get my cape
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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