im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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