i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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