I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
